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[Thu 13 Nov / 3:46pm] |
This journal's a representation of my inability to stick with anything. Symbolism, ooooh. But honestly, why can't I realize that it's really okay to stay in one place or do one thing for a little while? This applies to the big stuff and trickles all the way down to the way I write my papers. Bad example, but I cleaned my room a couple days ago and was like, "WOW, I FEEL GREAT. I'M GONNA PUT AWAY EVERYTHING RIGHT AFTER I USE IT." And now it's a catastrophe again. ca. tas. tro. pheeeeeee. I've switched rooms, I've switched schools. I like someone one day and despise them the next. So many people I've met here are fucking elitist assholes that I have absolutely no current interest in trying to find anybody at this school to identify with. None at all. Sometimes I think I want a boyfriend, even though I feel completely incapable of getting close enough to someone to let that happen, but then I realize that I haven't had a boyfriend in so long that I'd probably be the worst girlfriend in the history of girlfriends. Speaking of history, I'm now a history minor. I don't even like history. I'm really good at history, but I hate history. I've obliviously taken five history classes since I've gotten to college, so I guess I only need to take one more, and then I'll have a minor in it. Whatever. I'll be well-rounded or something, with my Human Development and Studio Art double major and my... history minor. College is so fucking stupid. I'm not even going to make good money doing what I want to do. I talked to Billy Hood about that last night. Billy's so funny. We talked about religion. I also can't stick with a religion. I grew up "Catholic," and now I'm nothing. Sometimes I want to be a Buddhist, but then I don't. I never want to be Catholic anymore, but I don't want to be an atheist, because I'm not an atheist. I guess I'm an agnostic sometimes, but I don't like that word. It sounds dumb to my ears. So right now, I'm nothing. I don't even want to go home (even though I really do) because my dad's going to ask me to go to church with him, and I'm going to have to explain that I don't think I'm Catholic anymore, and that's awkward. My confirmation name is Isabella, lol. I had to do 10 hours of community service before I could get confirmed. I guess picking a sweet name and doing some community service makes me a good Christian adult. Confirmation, what the fuck was that? I went to "religion class" every Monday or something with, like, 25 of my friends and we fucked around the whole time. I did not learn one thing in that class, and I wouldn't have learned a thing even if I did pay attention, because I went to Catholic schools from kindergarten through 12th grade and, oh, look! I've had to memorize all of your stupid fucking rituals and "what they stand for" and I still think your religion is fucking retarded. I go to your big huge cathedrals and listen to the priest I've known for 19 years drone on about shit he doesn't care about, which I know because he fucking told me. He TOLD ME that the things he said at Mass don't really mean anything.. it's what you take from it, or whatever. Oh, so nice, good message. But honestly, why would I ever go to Mass if the fucking PRIEST of all people is going to tell me that the very act of going to church means NOTHING? So, then, if you're telling me that the things you say and sing and do in Mass really don't mean anything, then you're saying that all of your rituals mean nothing, and your sacraments mean nothing, and your Bible means nothing, and... that's what makes up your religion, so you, Catholicism, equal ONE MASSIVE EPIC FAILURE. Ace. I love when I realize that I've wasted nearly my entire life studying something and labeling myself as something that I don't even really believe in at all. Billy wanted to take a class that studied Kierkegaard, whose philosophies I wrote a paper on back in September, so he read it. That fucking man is such a douchebag. A huge part of what he says is to have faith in the "absurd." What the fuck? Why would I do that? Ever? Wait, hold on a second, I'm not going to listen to what the people I love say to me; in fact, I'm going to COMPLETELY disregard what you say. Instead, I'm going to listen solely to something/someone whose existence I will never be able to prove. Really, that's your philosophy? Really? I'll get right on that. Sike, suck my balls.
Anyway, I just looked at the first sentence of my paragraph, mah thesis. lolz. Oh, I'm quitting my job. Exhibit #9 of how I can't stick with anything. That job sucks. I love the kids, but 15 hours/week when I have other things to do isn't even a little fun, and I'm sucking in school because of it. All right, I'm done. Maybe I'll update next year or something. Baaaaiiiii!!!
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[Mon 29 Sep / 1:07am] |
i'm not doing any work, even though i should be. i was looking through old word documents and i found this:
"It just makes me so mad that people go on with their lives when I’m not and when my sister isn’t.
Things like this make me think of everything so differently. Everything that seemed important then just doesn’t seem important at all now."
so random. i don't know why i saved that in a word document. that just brought back so many bad memories. another bad addition to another bad week.
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[Sat 27 Sep / 5:09pm] |
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what is it about you that always makes me want more? fuckkkk.
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[Thu 25 Sep / 10:43pm] |
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wowowowow. i feel like i'm so busy, even though i'm not doing any work at all right now. i'm tired as fuck and don't feel like writing but i do at the same time, so this will be semi-short. courtney and i founded turtle boat in globalization class, and it's a-takiiin off. it's not even a week old yet and we have almost 600 views, not to mention over 100 members in our facebook group. ace. maybe this school will pay attention to the arts now. took the test for wzbc, find out on sunday? if i got the internship. so much else happened this week but it's a big blur. uuuh tried to go see the free screening of choke today with courtney and alex but it reached capacity. went to urban. ate food. sat in a tree. am in welch now. mom's coming tomorrow, going to endicott. exxxcited. byyyye.
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[Mon 22 Sep / 12:14pm] |
i like boys (a boy) who wear lace-up vans, white v-necks, semi-tight jeans and red sox fitteds. these boys (this boy) carry messenger bags, have tattoos on the back of their necks, are artists, and somehow coincidentally listen to my exact range of music. in addition, these boys (boy) are fun, outgoing, funny, and universally attractive as hell.
hey, seemingly perfect person! i like that you actually exist. (: don't let me down, please?
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[Mon 22 Sep / 12:12am] |
This weekend was far too insane for my liking. I mean, granted, it was a fun fucking time, but it went a LITTLE beyond my comfort zone.
Thursday: Fell in love, no biggie.
Friday: Uuuh, what just happened? I wish life wasn't incredibly awkward.
Saturday: Wow, really, Kristen/Courtney? Really? (Okay, last night was awesome, I'll admit it.)
Buttttt next weekend, I'm gonna lay off the intoxicants a little bit. Or a lot. Mommy's coming up on Friday, Endicott on Friday night, maybe layin' low on Saturday or going to a show or something. Sounds much better.
btw: I feel like I'm going to fail out of this school. How did I even get in here?
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[Fri 19 Sep / 2:06am] |
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it's thursday night (morning), not friday. the dates always confuse me. I HAD SUCH A GOOD TIME TONIGHT @ paper. danced hot and heavy with some guys, one being incredibly good looking, it was nooooice. i guess BC isn't that bad.. SIKE, it still is, but boston itself is fuckin' ace. so psyched i discovered this, and so excited to do this every other thursday.
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[Thu 18 Sep / 12:41am] |
i really don't have time to be doing this, but my life is in shambles anyway so i think it'll be okay. jaaaykay, my life isn't in shambles, but i'm such a mess.. so much work to dooooo. lots and lots of reading that i'm not going to do because i have to write a fucking philosophy paper that i don't even understand the premise of. dumb.
i might/will hopefully move out of my room/66 for a bunch of reasons.. one being that i'm a transfer on the honors floor, the honors program being a group that i am clearly not a member of at BC. endicott honors program is not equivalent to BC honors program, considering that all these kids do is study and study and read and study and only talk to their own kind. i'm just being an asshole, they mostly seem sweet but they take all the same classes or something (i completely just made that up) so i guess they all know each other really well. but anyway, i just think the whole living situation is stupid and was visibly not thought out by reslife at all. that = reason #1 for kristen's desire to move.
anyway, i visited a room in walsh today, the girls were cool, but i still have to look at one in vandy. we'll see how that turns out.
i got work study, finallyyy. i'm doing jumpstart, which is basically going into boston, getting assigned an at-risk preschooler for the year, and spending time with him/her after school, reading, working on topics taught at school, and actually going into school with them and helping out there. i think it looks awesome and i've done things like it before, so i hope it's as good as it sounds. it's 12 hours/week, which might be pushing it, but the advantage is that at the end of the year, i get an extra $1000 for tuition/books. aaaaaceee. only other problem is that it takes up all of mondays and wednesdays until 6 or 7, so that's another 2 days that i won't have available to do the 2938712 activities i want to join on this campus. list so far = this, WZBC, intramural volleyball (which started already and i am horrendous at but is so much fun), relay for life, street team, art club, stylus or courtney's magazine if she starts it/if stylus meetings are always going to be on wednesdays.
i'm totally getting sick, that blows. i'm always so tired, probs because i get like 4 hours of sleep per night. i had way too much caffeine today, like, WAY too much. i also smoked more cigarettes today than i should have. (too much means two cigarettes. two cigarettes is too many.) i will drink more alcohol this weekend than is probably healthy or legal to drink. oh, youth and self-destruction. my favorite.
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[Wed 17 Sep / 1:37am] |
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I have charcoal and paint stick all over my hands, arms, legs, and face. And under my fingernails.
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[Mon 15 Sep / 10:02pm] |
I'm in a coffee shop across the street-ish from 66. I thought it would be cool, which it kind of is, but they're playing Usher.. as in Usher's greatest hits or something. It's been playing for an hour and a half. I guess there's a open mic night here on Thursday, I'm gonna go. I'm also gonna go to:
PAPER BACK TO SCHOOL LAUNCH!!!
PAPER SEPTEMBER 18th
WITH:
EASTON LEGACY (LIVE)
HOLLYWOOD LIES (LIVE)
DJs: NATO (RESIDENT)+ E-MARCE (RESIDENT)
+ AARON BEDARD of BANE!!
HARPERS FERRY, ALLSTON
9-1:30AM, 10$, 18+
it says: "With local bands, DJs, and artists for your visual and audio pleasure... be sure to check this night out, your Thursdays night plans will change from here on out."
Why, thank you for such an opportunity, PAPER BACK TO SCHOOL LAUNCH!!!. Maybe my Thursday nights willll in fact change from here on out.
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[Mon 15 Sep / 12:40pm] |
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When I go home for Columbus Day, Atmosphere's going to be at Toad's (: That venue's fiiiiinally back on track. Fuckin' selling alcohol to minors two summers ago, closing down, what was that? Made me so mad. The Doors tribute this summer was lots of fun, though. We met two guys there, they were awesome, and that reggae band with the outrageously attractive vocalist was bomb. Oh.. and Gogol? That night made me wish I was legitimately a gypsy. But honestly, that widdle place on York St. holds some of the bestttt times of my teenage years. Thursday, best show ever after Gogol. Getting in free every single fucking time and then getting to watch shows from the balcony. And even when that ended, it was still by far the acest fucking place to listen to music. New Haven will always own my being.
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[Sun 14 Sep / 10:22pm] |
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I'm in the library writing a paper about how travelers and traders facilitated/informed us about convergence in Eurasia in the centuries before 1500. We're forbidden to talk about Marco Polo in it, even though Marco Polo is clearly the most important explorer of the entire time period. What the fuck? But anyway, this is the worst paper I've ever written. In it I sound as though I have a mental condition and cannot complete sentences. And I have to do three mixed media pieces by Wednesday, and it's making me remember why I hate structured art classes. I went to the art studio to do an ink/charcoal piece and I got mad at it, so I just drew it in pencil instead and then felt much more confident about my drawing abilities. Why can't graphite be the only acceptable medium in this world? I wish I could just sit outside and do art all day. I wish I didn't switch majors. I wish I was Steph and was going to art school, even though she hates it. Everyone always wants everything they can't have.
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[Sun 14 Sep / 2:26pm] |
This weekend was awful. All I did was drunkenly mope. Drinking isn't even slightly my forte, and moping certainly isn't either. This school is bringing out the worst in me. I also realized today that I don't think it's going to be possible to major in 3 or 4 different subject areas. What the fuck am I doing? I just want to go to England. And eat a burrito.
Anyway, I'm in Sarah's room watching the Jets-Patriots game, which the Jets are clearly going to kick some PatriotsminusTomDickheadBrady ass in. bwahahaa. karma.
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[Wed 10 Sep / 11:41am] |
I'm cleaning my room right now because it's far too messy. No matter how hard I try, I always have things everywhere. No matter what happens.
I'm listening to some music that I received in the Courtney-Kristen music exchange yesterday. It's good.
I miss my friends everywhere, all over ze world, especially the ones at Endicott. I wonder if I really should have left. I keep looking at pictures of me and everyone there and where I would have been living this year and it's makin' me saaaad. I feel like the love of my life just broke up with me. I don't even have a love of my life, or just a love, or even any like. What's ranked under like in the relationship scale? I have some of those. I always have some of those.
I thought BC would be more.. open-ended, I don't know, that's not the right word at all, but I can't tell if it's going to be the same shit as Endicott. I almost think it is, and that makes me scared.
I want to talk to more interesting people.
I can't wait for drawing class tonight.
I need to talk to my sisters.
I miss my basement. I wish I finished painting it before I left. I wasn't even close to finishing.
I don't like my classes, especially my philosophy class. I don't want to fucking ponder about Abraham and his ridiculous religious beliefs and how he sacrificed his son for absolutely no reason other than that he was told to by a voice in the heavens. I don't like reading for Globalization, although I'll admit that reading about Marco Polo's sexcapades with Courtney is quite enjoyable.
People kept looking at me this morning and I don't know why. It made me nervous.
Last night Courtney (Rocut), Alex (Xeal), and I (Kretins) walked around and hung out and played Jenga and ran on the ellipticals (Do you run on ellipticals? What is it that you do on an elliptical?).
I keep wishing I didn't transfer, but what the fuck, nothing's ever going to happen unless people grow balls and just do things that make them uncomfortable. I'll live.
P.S.: Why are you (one specific person that I am clearly not going to name, even though I justttt ranted not 3 seconds ago about how we all just need to grow balls ) such a douchebag only some of the time? If you're going to be an asshole, at least do it all of the time, not a portion of it. Fuck. I'd like a flat-out answer to the previously stated question, byeeeeee! (I request that you say that aloud in the voice of Evan from Superbad, sankyou.)
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[Thu 26 Jun / 2:03pm] |
I have such a lame job.
I was with the preschoolers today and one little boy was sitting in the plastic car with the door open. Two other kids, a boy and a girl, were riding on the bikes and would ride past the boy in the car and hit the door with their hand, pretending they crashed when they clearly did not. Harmless, no? I thought it was cute, so I was playing along with it, creating some absurd sound effects that would go along with a car crash. The kids thought it was fucking hilarious.
Uuuuuntil this random middle-aged woman came over, squatted down next to them (them meaning three 3-year-olds), and put on this terrifying voice, saying "THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE. LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, IF THIS DOOR BREAKS, I WILL BE VERY ANGRY," and proceeded to give me some sort of intense death glare. Aaaaaaaand then they all started to cry. And then I had to calm them all down.
What a fucking asshole.
In addition, I work one day next week, for a grand total of six hours. Not quite the 25+ hours per week they told me I would be given when I was hired.
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twiceburnt's journal
